My client's partner struggled to tell her he loved her.

"I'm sure he does," she said — "But he just can't put it into words. He's not good at expressing his emotions."

"How long have you been together?" I asked, expecting her to describe a relatively new relationship. It's common for people to struggle with when to cross the "I love you" line.

"Three years," she said.

The Power of Three Little Words

The words "I love you" are seen as a milestone for relationships, a sign that you've crossed over into serious territory, that you're committed to this person.

But while there's plenty of advice out there on when to first say I love you (and who should say it first) there's very little on what happens when someone stops — or just won't go there.

My client's relationship appeared to be solid; they'd moved in together and had joint custody of a two-year-old Labradoodle. "He's a great guy. We get on well," she said. "So why am I so hung up on this?"

In the first year they were together, my client's partner had muttered "Love you" a couple of times. But, she said, it was obviously a huge deal for him. Now, he never went there, despite her hints.

"I tell him I love him all the time. At least I used to. Not so much anymore, because it feels a bit weird when I never hear it back."

When we unpacked it further it was not "weird" she was feeling — it was unloved. Rejected. And worried about their long-term future.

"I don't want to beg. I can't force him to say what he's not comfortable with. But do I have a right to hear those words?" she asked.

Did she?

Can't versus Won't: There's a Difference

The comfort you feel around saying "I love you" often has historical origins. Some families say it as easily and often as please and thank you. They'll drop it every time someone leaves the house or they end a phone call. For others, though, it's something you save for people's deathbed.

My client's partner came from the latter camp. He found expressions of love excruciatingly hard. He'd come from a family where feelings were buried, his parents were practical — not emotional — people. He'd never learned that kind of language. So there was a good reason for his struggle.

But it was tough on my client who was an emotionally expressive person. She found it easy to say "I love you" but — without her partner reciprocating — felt increasingly insecure in the relationship. How do I know he's really in this? How do I know he's not plotting to leave me?

They were fair questions. She was understanding about her partner's emotional legacy — and prepared to cut him some slack because of it — but she also had her own needs to think about.

And she needed a psychological roadmap to work through them. These are the exploratory questions we came up with.

* Are your expectations reasonable?

My client was a daily "I love you" person, occasionally she said it several times in the same day. She thought it was on the high end of what other people did and she knew it was unrealistic to expect her partner to become as expressive as she was. However she needed to think about what/how much affirmation she needed from him and how much was realistic.

* Does their behaviour show love?

She noted that he showed love in many different ways. He made her coffee every morning, did jobs around the house, fixed her computer for her, showed up to important events with her family and friends. He wasn't overt with his physical affection but he was completely present. So the answer was yes, he did show love. However while behaviour is the more reliable indicator of love — because talk can be cheap — you shouldn't resign yourself to never hearing those words.

* Is it a struggle — or a refusal?

It's important to unpack the difference. It's one thing if a person struggles to say "I love you", but it's another if they absolutely refuse to reassure you of their love. A partner who deliberately leaves you insecure about them or your relationship, is unfair — if not toxic. This young woman's partner found it extremely difficult to express himself verbally but that didn't make him a bad partner. In most ways, he was a very good one.

However, affirming words were important to my client and she wasn't being loved in a way that was important to her.

* How can I find my voice?

My client needed to talk to her partner reasonably what she needed from him. She also needed to listen to him when he explained he found it hard, it didn't come naturally to him. They found a compromise. He wrote her a note — a long one, telling her how he felt about her. She had the words she needed. "In a way it was even better," she said. "I could keep it. Hopefully it won't be the last one. I think I can count on a few text messages from now on too."

It's important to understand that people have different ways of loving. But your partner's struggle to express their feelings shouldn't set you up for insecurity within your relationship. You have a right to FEEL loved — in whatever way you need to feel it.

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