AINYF SHORTS

I just finished a hard two mile run on my treadmill.

Today wasn't a hard day but my mind and body feel tired. I'm still trying to understand why but maybe I don't necessarily need an answer. Maybe I need to keep doing what I need to do and wait until it passes. That's life and how it goes sometimes.

I am fully aware that I sometimes contradict myself in my writings. I remember writing an article about how joyous and beautiful, warm and fuzzy sobriety is, and how I even hate the word "sober" because of its definition in Webster's.

Because I've screamed to the heavens there is nothing boring about sobriety. It's exciting and exhilarating. It's a new way of living and the longer you keep going, the more you question why you ever drank in the first place.

But then there are days when you wish you felt more alive than you do. You can't help but see yourself going through the motions again. The excitement does, in fact, turn into boredom.

And that's why I would drink. I didn't like feeling bored. I have adult ADD. I need constant stimulation. When I'm not getting it, my mind starts wandering and my energy tries to convert back to my old ways of living.

Sobriety is easy.

All you have to do is wake up, have a productive day, and don't buy alcohol.

But sobriety is hard too.

Because as simple as it seems, once you've been addicted to a substance, it leaves a scar on your heart. A scar can't hurt you but it sure as hell will remind you that it happened.

Sobriety is a roller coaster ride and sometimes you feel strapped in and safe, and other times you keep checking the buckle to make sure it's fully latched. You begin to hesitate and become stricken with fear, anxiety and doubt.

Sobriety has a sneaky way of keeping memories alive but taking away the sting. This fools many into believing they have completely healed, when in reality, there's still a lot of work to do.

I remember my first couple of days shaking and tying my shoes in the morning. Walking upstairs to my office felt as if I just completed a hike up the highest peak in the world. I was out of breath and sweating.

Those early days will never be forgotten but they don't send a sharp pain through me like the one I felt in my liver when I put the bottle down.

Sobriety is unpredictable.

One day you're adamant you'll never drink again and want to give a press conference and answer everyone's questions about how to do it because you are so confident and proud of your accomplishment.

Then there are days when you don't care anymore about how far you've come. You walk back to the closed door and contemplate placing your hand on the door knob and giving it a slight turn, just to see what happens.

In those moments, you probably feel panic and fear take over, and need to sit down and analyze your thoughts and mood and remind yourself how you're feeling is only temporary and is going to pass.

Sobriety can lead to other bad habits.

When I quit drinking, all I wanted to do was eat my feelings, and I did just that before I turned the void over to exercise and fitness.

Even though I knew I was making the right decision to move forward in my life without alcohol, I still possessed a broken spirit that was confused and frustrated.

There's a reason every AA meeting I ever attended consisted of gross Folgers coffee and cigarette smoke in the air. I will never take anything away from anyone who remains sober but looking back at those meetings challenged my perspective on sobriety, and I didn't want to replace one really bad habit with new ones that are also poor lifestyle choices.

The point of breaking up with drinking was for a better life, not to find some other crutch.

Sobriety teaches you to self-regulate again.

It was always so easy to get lost in the liquid and numb my feelings and emotions.

When I sobered up, I was forced to deal with my emotions, and it could be anything from calmly handling a traffic jam to an annoying situation arising at work, to how I talk and interact with the people I encounter in my life.

I had a short fuse when I stopped drinking.

I had to reteach myself how to function normal again.

It takes time.

There are no days off in sobriety

Lastly…

I don't care how far you've come, sobriety is a muscle you must keep working or it's going to weaken.

There are no days off. There are no breaks.

You have to stay on top of your game.

You can either keep the momentum going, or fall back into old patterns. I am very confident I will never drink again but I will never become too cocky and believe I'm not one bad decision away from resorting back to a life I've worked so hard to leave behind.

When I quit running for months and started back up again, I remember organizing my office and finding a medal I won when I placed in the top 3 for my age group.

I smiled and chuckled because it was a reminder that I still have a long way to go. I have the same power of finding that warrior runner again, just as I have the same capacity to return to a drunken fool who I have fought so hard to lay to rest.

I choose to channel the warrior runner from within because that warrior fights alcohol every day.

And he always wins.