you were the one who started everything. you were the one who came closer first, who made me feel like i was special, like i was different, like i was finally chosen. you were the one who made me believe that maybe, just maybe, this time i wouldn't be the girl who gets left behind.

and i remember how i was at the beginning.

i was careful. i was guarded. i didn't fall that fast. i didn't even ask for much. i didn't chase. i didn't beg. i was still myself, still stable, still okay.

but you kept coming.

you kept texting. you kept calling. you kept making space for me in your day. you made me feel like you actually wanted me there. like you missed me. like you needed me.

and slowly, i started to trust you.

i started letting my walls down, little by little. i started to believe your words. i started to feel safe in your presence. i started to think that maybe you were different from the others.

and the saddest part is

i didn't even fall for you because you were my type.

physically, you weren't.

your behavior wasn't even close to what i usually want.

your red flags were obvious.

your inconsistency was loud.

but still, something in me kept choosing you.

maybe because you came at the right time.

maybe because you knew how to make me feel wanted.

maybe because you gave me attention in a way that felt like love.

and i hate admitting this, but i started to love you for real.

not the shallow kind. not the playful kind.

i loved you with my whole heart. with pure intentions. with sincerity. with softness.

and that's when everything started changing.

when i finally got attached, you started pulling away.

when i finally opened up, you started getting distant.

when i finally felt like "okay, this is real," you started acting like it wasn't.

it's like you were walking backwards while i was walking towards you.

and i didn't realize it until i was already too deep.

slow burn in reverse is cruel. because you don't lose them at the beginning. you lose them after you already gave your everything. after you already trusted them so much. after you already started imagining a future. after you already felt safe enough to love.

and now you act like it's easy.

like we can just go back to being friends.

like nothing happened.

like you didn't ruin the friendship first by crossing the line and letting me fall.

how can you say "let's go back"

when you were the one who brought me this far

how can you say "it's fine"

when you were the one who made me lose myself

sometimes i feel stupid. not because i loved you, but because i believed you would stay.

because you wanted me first.

you chased first.

you pulled me in first.

and i was just responding to what you started.

and now i'm the one who feels used.

i'm the one who feels empty.

i'm the one who feels like i was only needed when you needed something.

it hurts because i didn't fall quickly.

i fell slowly. carefully. genuinely.

and you left slowly too.

quietly. carelessly. like i was never important.

you lit the fire.

you warmed yourself in it.

and when it got too real, you walked away

leaving me to burn alone.

and that's why i can't just "be okay."

because i wasn't just losing you.

i was losing the version of myself that believed i was finally chosen.