I am not in any way negating that we choose our own life. Meaning, we do not choose everything that happens to us, but we do choose our mindset and what to do with what happens to us.
We do not decide or can control other people, most of the situations we find ourselves in, what happens — but we can choose our thoughts around it, eventually our feelings around it, and where to go from there.
As long as we are alive — we have choices.
Yet, our path, life, and fate also choose us.
It is not a contradiction. We choose our life — and our life chooses us.
And we can run from both, or one of them. And all the stuff that we keep trying to avoid will happen.
We need to both accept our choices and the fate, the life we have, in front of us. No matter how long or short. No matter how hard or easy.
When I say I am living my life
When I say I am living my life — it does not mean I can choose anything and everything. It means I accept the path, the life that is here, that has formed me — and that is presenting itself to me.
And to do that — takes a lot of courage.
For all I know — I can be barking up the wrong trees, fighting impossible windmills (read Don Quixote for reference), getting it all wrong, misunderstanding it all. Or I do actually get the right messages from my gut. I just need to listen to my own wisdom. The wisdom about my life (not anyone else's).
I have questioned myself for so long. Second-guessed my gut. Quieted my internal wisdom. Given up so much — in pursuit of fantasies and desires (and love).
Driven by unfulfilled needs — I have been looking for what I wanted in all the wrong places. Then I have been beating myself up over that. Beaten myself for my own "stupidity."
"Hope" is the thing with feathers - That perches in the soul -
— Emily Dickinson, "Hope" is the thing with feathers
And now? What changed? I listen inwards, I let my life take me on a journey I know nothing about. I make as many choices as I can that align with what I believe in. I keep an eye open at all times, so I do not turn dogmatic.
I pick courage over comfort
I pick authenticity over false belonging and inclusion. I pick me, my health, my life — over success, a place in the spotlight, over living up to other people's expectations.
I see me. I stay with me. I choose me. I accept me. I respect me. And I love me.
It helps me see you, stay with you, choose you, accept you, respect you, and love you — but not if the cost is — me.
If the cost is too high. I revert to minding myself. I take my bearings. And I look around for possible paths. And when I start to walk — the path meets me. Then I have the choice to run away from it — or to follow it.
And I walk this path — even when it is a non-path. Even when it is being fully on my own — out in the wilderness — having no clue about where any of it will take me.
This is my trust in myself
This is my courage.
Etymolgogy: From Middle English corage, from Old French corage (French courage), from Vulgar Latin *corāticum, from Latin cor ("heart"). Distantly related to cardiac ("of the heart"), which is from Greek, but from the same Proto-Indo-European root. Displaced Middle English elne, ellen, from Old English ellen ("courage, valor"). Definition: The quality of being confident, not afraid or easily intimidated, but without being incautious or inconsiderate. The ability to overcome one's fear, do or live things which one finds frightening.
And if I hurt anyone — do anything that can be seen as offensive — I will take the consequences of it.
For too long, I have pre-emptively adapted myself to what I think will come. I have braced. Hid myself. Waited for things to change. Waited for people to see me. Waited for inclusion, for belonging — and for love.
"Enough! enough! enough! Somehow I have been stunn'd. Stand back! Give me a little time beyond my cuff'd head, slumbers, dreams, gaping, I discover myself on the verge of a usual mistake."
— Walt Whitman, Song of Myself, 38
My courage will perhaps obliterate me. Or it is just a fear I have. No matter what. I will not let that fear be in control of my life. I will live. And be me. And that by definition will mean I will be hurtful. I will be offensive. I will be annoying. I will be totally crazy — in some people's eyes.
And you know what? That is totally fine.
It will not stop me from showing up for myself in my own life.
"I am stronger than my rock. My fate belongs to me"
My words. But I am paraphrasing both Albert Camus (from his book Sisyhpos and Jennifer Michael Hecht (from her book Stay. A History of Suicide and the Arguments against It.)
Know that nothing I do has the intention to be hurtful
I have myself lived through so much hurt and pain — I have no wish to put anyone through the same. But it might feel like this to you — that I am hurting you — when I follow my path, trusting myself and my own compass.
And I will get things wrong. I will misunderstand you — and you will misunderstand me. Communication will break down. Relationships will be lost. Judgment will be there. And I will do my best to own my part, own my path. Live my life — knowing so many will not get why I do the things I do. Knowing I — or my life — will not make sense to them.
And still. I do this. Because I am making sense to myself. And I would rather go for an adventure in my life — rather live it. Even when I am fearful — than try to adapt to what does not speak to me.
If you are hurt by my ethics, morals, dreams, visions, missions, choices, processes — if you are hurt by my life and how I live it — we are not for each other anyway.
I know most people compartmentalize and divide their lives into work — and life. And I don't. I am a full package. My life is my work. I am my life. And my work. My work is me. That works for me — and makes me happy.
To me — my life is personal. And in this way — I know your life is personal to you — whatever divisions and compartmentalization you prefer to do. And in this way — it could help with knowing that our choices are not personal in the sense that they are not made AGAINST anyone. At least not my choices.
My life is mine
I am living it to the best of my ability. If I am not living up to your expectations. I am sorry. If I hurt you — I am sorry. But it will no longer make me change. I will no longer dissociate away parts of me — to fit better into the picture. Your picture. Of me. Or how I "should" be. Of how I "should" live my life.
"then on the shore Of the wide world I stand alone, and think Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink."
— John Keats in "When I have fears that I may cease to be"
Fear of standing all alone has kept me in a catch-22. And now — I will be totally okay standing alone. I would rather stand alone — than stand with the wrong (to me) crowd.
What a relief. To not have to be loved by anyone. To not have to be special to anyone. To not look for anything in anyone else.
To know that any love — or hate — or indifference — coming my way — has very little to do with me.
My life IS my path . . .
PS. And you know what? When I am ready to stand alone — I am not alone. I am feeling so much support and love coming my way. It is just not coming from where I looked for it. This is part of my learning to just keep on walking. To embrace my path and my life — because even if I cannot see my path all the time — it is there. My life IS my path . . .
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