When Jack and I first opened up our marriage and started meeting other non-monogamous folks, it was flabbergasting to us how many people didn't read the literature on non-monogamy.

Don't be that person.

If you're going to do something totally counterculture, it may seem counterintuitive to read a book on the subject, as if an "instruction manual" shouldn't dictate your quest to follow your personal bliss. But I think that's bullshit.

The philosophies of polyamory aren't ingrained in us the way monogamous ideals are. Don't get me wrong — I think monogamous people need to study up on their relationship style, too. Plenty of people are floundering in monogamy, after all.

But with monogamy, people at least have the standard societal model to guide them — not so with polyamory. Most of the people I know who opened up their marriage in whatever fashion don't have any real-life role models.

And the truth is that YouTube videos, podcasts, and social media reels will only get you so far. Books allow you to become engrossed in the information, covering the topic in both depth and breadth.

So this is me, a librarian, encouraging you to read yet another book to improve yourself and your life.

And these are the books that I read as Jack and I opened up our marriage to swinging, then non-monogamy, then to my polyamorous relationship with a woman, and back down to something more akin to "monogamish."

Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality

by Cacilda Jethá and Christopher Ryan

When Jack and I realized that we could design our relationship however we wanted, we were shell-shocked for some time. We'd always been sexually open with each other, but it hadn't occured to us that an open marriage was an actual option. We found ourselves beyond intrigued and hungry for more information.

Jethá and Ryan's book is akin to a text I might have picked up for a college course. It paves the way to an understanding that monogamy was not always the default for humans. This book's revelations are to monogamous sex what Darwin's theory of evolution was to intelligent design.

A must-read if you're a person like me who wonders if you're "weird" for wanting to explore sex with other people. Spoiler alert: you're not weird, you're human.

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy

Monogamy is the default in our culture, so it was eye opening to me that there are those who are successfully polyamorous in our culture. This book goes into great detail about what is necessary for a healthy polyamorous lifestyle, and if you're on that lifestyle spectrum, it's worth the read.

I actually read this one twice. The first time I read it, Jack and I were just getting started. We knew from the start that we weren't conventional swingers, as I wasn't really interested in a swap situation with other men. Instead, I was seeking out women to play with in an effort to explore my bisexuality.

My first read, before we got started, was strenuous. I didn't understand the intricacies of open relationships, as we hadn't delved in much yet. I didn't intend to fall in love and divide up my heart.

But by my second read, after some experience and realizing that I was indeed twitterpated by my new partners, I found the value in this book. It is indeed an invaluable guide on the polyamorous lifestyle, boundaries, safe sex, and crafting relationships on your own terms.

The Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love

by Dedeker Winston

I actually read this title in between my first and second reads of The Ethical Slut, when I was having those pesky feelings for not one but two new partners.

Jack and I hadn't intended to have feelings for anyone but each other — we just wanted some thrilling sexual explorations. Indeed, we were naive to think that we could keep romantic feelings out of our sexual endeavors.

I felt awful at first, as if I'd betrayed Jack. I didn't know what to do with my feelings, nor how to feel about my feelings. Then I came across this book from the host of the Multiamory podcast. The introduction alone was enough to push me to tears. Yes, it was possible to truly love more than one person. No, that didn't make me a bad person who'd betrayed anyone.

This book offered both the modern philosophical ideals and the practical advice that I needed to overcome those initial struggles with non-monogamy. After this no-frills guide, the loftier Ethical Slut felt within my reach.

Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy

by Jessica Fern

Six months into my new relationships, I found myself floundering. Why did this feel so darn hard?

Jack and I hadn't always been perfect — I was downright needy in our early days, when we were still teenagers — but we'd worked through those issues and came out even stronger in the end. I wasn't a stranger to the struggle of relationships, but I assumed that I'd mastered all relationships just because I'd figured out an ideal arrangement with Jack.

Not so.

This book layers attachment styles over non-monogamous relationships, explaining why we behave as we do in relation to others. I'll admit that it was slightly traumatic uncovering how my parents had shaped me to be this needy, insecurely attached woman, but it was also eye-opening to see exactly how Jack and I had shifted into a securely attached relationship over time.

Could my other relationships become secure, too? Would I ever feel at peace again with the ones I loved? This book gave me the understanding and the blueprints, but I wasn't certain that I could actually build anything with the other partners in question.

This book prompted Jack and I to start seeing a therapist who specializes in polyamory.

The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families

by Elisabeth Sheff

Jack and I have four kids. My then-girlfriend has three kids with her husband. The couple that Jack and I were seeing have two kids.

If polyamory was our new norm, we had to find a way to incorporate it into our real lives, from career to household to family. It was no longer just some sex-on-the-side. Our therapist recommended this book.

I'll be honest with you. I was both under- and overwhelmed reading this book. The details Sheff presents about polyamory were no longer new to me. I understood that I could craft my life and relationship however I wanted. But I wasn't sure how counterculture I really wanted to go.

Holly, my then-girlfriend, had told her teenaged kids about her bisexuality and then her polyamorous relationships during the time we were together. I met her teens after we'd been dating for a little over a year, and they were supportive and sweet about our lifestyle.

But I never introduced her as my girlfriend to my kids. In fact, I was never ready to be open to my kids about our lifestyle, though I eventually revealed my bisexuality to them. They become my biggest supporters — so why didn't I say more?

I told myself it was because my kids were younger than Holly's, but I guess the truth of the matter is that I wasn't ready. And perhaps I wasn't ready because something told me that this wasn't quite right for me.

Pretty Kinky for a Love Story

by Anna Eliza Rose

I'll admit that it feels ostentatious to promote my own book in this list, but my journey wouldn't have been complete without it.

I started writing about my love life before we ventured into non-monogamy, back when I was on the cusp of my sexual liberation. Without my journaling, I don't know how I would have processed all that I went through. As the words poured out of me, I saw the truth of not only my feelings, but also my desires.

I wrote about how I'd been raised, and I realized that I didn't believe that sex was the sin I was taught it to be. I realized that I'm more queer than I had ever allowed myself to admit. I've grown comfortable in my unique sexuality and sensuality, and this reckoning has allowed me to feel more authentic than ever in my own skin.

I believe that loving more than one person is possible. I don't believe that there is only one person for everyone. But I also believe that Jack is the perfect partner for me, and I don't believe that I can handle multiple romantic relationships at this point in my life.

I realized that I want peace in my household. I want to focus on writing about my passions and ideals, on raising my four beautiful children, and on stoking the fires of my sex life with Jack.

Sure, we might have some fun on the side from time to time, especially on vacation. But I'm not interested in practicing polyamory at home, at least not right now — and that's okay.

After all, I'm the one who gets to choose how I structure my relationships.

It's funny, because we've landed back very close to where we started out our non-monogamous journey. "Monogamish," to use Dan Savage's word, is where Jack and I have officially landed, if an "ish" can ever be official.

So did I need to read all those books — and did I need to write an entire book myself — in order to come full circle?

The answer, coming from a librarian like me, is obvious. Of course.

These books were my guides on what turns out to be a classic hero's journey — a main character goes on an adventure, learns lessons, overcomes a struggle with her new knowledge, and then returns home renewed and refreshed.

Those books, combined with our experiences, honed my vision. They were my guides as I shaped my philosophies and shared my ideas. Their words gave me questions to ponder and points to discuss.

And ultimately, they led me to my happy ending.

Want more? Give my book a read! Bonus — the eBook edition of Pretty Kinky for a Love Story is currently discounted on Amazon.

Or check out these other books I recommend about sexuality and love: