August 20 something 2021 was the day that I found out that I was cheated on. I cannot believe it's been over a year. I'm writing this through a mix of peace and anger. I feel conflicting feelings but that's what the last year has been riddled with… conflict. Conflict with myself, my new life and many people I've lost during this time. Conflict with the fact that I had to deal with someone else's lack of self-respect and respect for me.

This is my reflection.

If you do not know what happened, I'll lay it out for you. I don't like writing about it much anymore because the backlash has been unsettling. See, I've been a writer for over ten years and I've never experienced such harsh critics until this year. Mostly from strangers in the same social circle and from my ex lover.

Pathetic. But that's what they are and I know I shouldn't expect any better.

Why can't you all just be enough for yourself to let me tell my story?

Here we go.

It is August something 2021. I make reservations at the restaurant where we spent our 2nd anniversary. We were so in love back then. I remember you ordered the peppercorn steak and it tasted disgusting. I'm surprised we even went back to the same place. Maybe we thought we'd give it another try. Maybe this time, our story here would turn out differently. Anyway, back to the setting.

August… let's say 1st… August 01, 2021 right before we leave for dinner.

Before you come home, I'm riddled with anxiety. Something does not feel right. A week ago, you said you were going to a party without me. You never went to my parties. This year, you've turned 180. I ask you if I can go with you. You tell me, "you need to take care of the dog".

"Your dog knows how to be home alone…" I say, but you keep pleading your case until I'm too stunned to speak.

Ok, back to the story, sorry.

We are in an Uber to the restaurant. I start crying. I hate being with you. I hate having sex with you. I hate looking at you. You never did anything for me. You never bought me a sweet gift or made me feel safe. I had to beg you to fuck me and you barely knew how to touch me. I wanted out so badly.

"You're here," the Uber driver says. He looks at me with pity.

"Thank you," I reply, "have a nice night" I say as I reach to open my own door.

You never did anything for me.

The restaurant is how I remember it. Italian flags waving, the scent of fresh bread and cooking oil, and tables so closely squished together that you'd think that we were all having a family style dinner. But this time, I look at you and know that we will never be a family.

You motion me to sit and we stare at each other silently. You start with, "Maybe you should go back home so you can prepare for law school and save some money…"

Save some money? I think, "that's my apartment so you should get the fuck out and pack your belongings".

You try to convince me to leave like it is your home.

I think, "the apartment is under my name… you technically live with me… you need to offer to leave… like a man would".

But you are barely a man. Barely worthy of laying next to me.

The tension between us is filling the air and is seeping into the couples next to us.

They ask, "will this be what we turn into?"

My eyes darting to theirs with, "I hope not".

Angry exchanges back and forth between you and I until you break.

"Tolerate my lifestyle or leave," you say.

I reply, "If you asked me sooner, I would've left yesterday".

August 1st, I pack my stuff. August 3rd, I leave your life and your love for good. August 5th, you still go to that party. You're with a new woman. So soon. In 15 days, you call me to tell me you have a new partner. I reply with, "You were always such a love bomber".

I didn't feel jealously over what you did, just deep pity. Pity that you probably tell her the same things. Tell her not to worry because you and I fell out of love a long time ago. Pity that you're so good with your lies that even I, at one point, believed everything you said.

The next few months, and the last year really, was riddled with this subliminal back and fourth between you and I and my hands running my pen every-time I heard you slandering my name again. It was painful and it hurt.

You never let me mourn the life you took away from me. You never let me breathe. All you did was make it so hard for me.

I know I could have been more graceful in leaving you and just letting it be but you don't realize that you took almost everything from me.

Regardless of how you made me feel, I have to end off with this:

I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like less of a human being. I'm sorry for leaving you dry when you tried to make it up to me. I'm sorry for being the least desirable version of myself when leaving.

I'm sorry we didn't work out.

I'm sorry we weren't meant to be but

Thank God you and I are free.

Originally published at http://sadrika.wordpress.com on February 28, 2023.