there was a moment, just one…

when I thought we were on the edge of something real. she told me she loved me. not in a grand, world-stopping way. just… casually. like it had always been true. like it didn't cost her anything.

but love, I've learned, should cost something. It should come with weight.

we met in a strange space not quite strangers, not yet anything else. somewhere between timing and curiosity, we fell into conversation and never quite climbed out. it wasn't serious at first, just passing thoughts and fleeting messages. but slowly, she became part of my days. her name lit up my phone and made my heart stutter. she made jokes that lingered. she called me "sayang" before I knew what I even was to her.

we laughed like best friends, talked like lovers, and clung to each other like two people who weren't sure what we needed, but knew we wanted something. and in that blurred space, something like love started growing on my end slow, deep, undeniable.

there were signs. always signs. the way she hesitated when things got too close. the way she'd disappear, sometimes for hours, sometimes for days. the way she said she wasn't ready, that we should "just be friends." but then she'd still send me voice notes saying "I love you," still call me by soft names, still make me feel like maybe there was more under the surface. I saw those signs. I just didn't want to believe them.

so I stayed. I let myself believe the words over the reality. I thought, maybe if I'm patient enough, she'll get there. maybe she just needs time.

eventually, I told her the truth. I told her I loved her not in a dramatic confession, but in a quiet, trembling kind of way. I told her it hadn't been a game to me. that when I said I'd break for her, I meant it.

she didn't run. she didn't say she felt the same, either. just, "I'm sorry." Just, "you won't lose me." and then, "let's stay friends"

I said yes.

of course I did.

because even though it hurt, losing her completely would've hurt more. I agreed to be her friend. but I don't know if that was honest. I don't know if friendship is possible when every message from her still lights up some small corner of my chest.

she's getting distant day by day. I've been trying to keep what once was. I've been holding on to a version of us that maybe only existed in my head. or maybe it did exist, once. briefly. before she pulled away, slowly and kindly, like someone tiptoeing out of a room they never meant to stay in.

we still talk. sometimes she still says "I love you," and I still say it back. But I don't know what it means anymore. I don't know if she knows what it means, either.

what I do know is I loved her with honesty. I didn't play games. I showed up, fully. and maybe that's the only closure I'll get. knowing I meant it, even if she didn't.

some people come into your life not to stay, but to show you what your heart is capable of. and maybe that's what she was. not a love story.