When my daughter was young, I got her a pony named Mandy.
Mandy was lonely and would constantly get out of her corral.
Now, she didn't go far — we'd find her a quarter mile away with her head companionably over the fence, visiting with the neighbor's horse, Nugget. Horses are such social animals; they aren't content when deprived of a herd.
Humans are social creatures, too. And being alone is stressful.
Unlike our pony, which was fine when we got another horse, humans often remain lonely. And it doesn't just make us sad—it can make us sick.
A research study found that 35% of adults 45+ reported frequently feeling lonely. This stresses us and causes our bodies to produce hormones that lead to inflammation and physical damage to the body.
In addition to increased production of proinflammatory cytokines, isolation and loneliness can make us hypervigilant with symptoms resembling PTSD. Unfortunately, even our immune system doesn't work as well.
Loneliness and social isolation are not the same.
Isolation can be calculated. How many people do you see in one week? How long do you spend with them? It can be more easily cured.
I've felt lonely in a relationship and even in a crowd. Loneliness is a feeling of not being connected to meaningful relationships.
And each person is unique in the degree of intimacy that is satisfying. For example, some people find enough connection with the social interactions at work, while others crave a personal, one-to-one relationship to feel happy.
As I age, I make a greater effort to maintain my health. Yes, we need to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep, but we also must be mindful to stay connected to each other.
It's especially easy for older people to become socially isolated but we need to remain connected to others if we want to remain happy and healthy.
Many of us now live in smaller households.
Households in more advanced economies are the smallest in the world. While in the Gambia, a person older than 60 lives with an average of 11 other people. In the United States, someone that age is likely to live with only one other person.
People in more economically advantaged countries usually live longer and are more likely to have retirement income, making it possible to live alone. However, in many countries, this is not even an option.
Living in extended-family households is a common arrangement for older people in most of the world. For example, two-thirds of people 60 and older in Iraq, Namibia, and India live with their extended family, while in the U.S., only 6% of us do.
OK. What can we do about this loneliness epidemic?
First, recognize and realize it's part of being human. It's not a commentary on our worth, and it doesn't mean we're a failed human being. That's ridiculous and the exact opposite of the truth — we are lonely because we're human.
Next, we need to take loneliness seriously. Loneliness doesn't only feel bad but it is harmful to our physical health.
Fortunately, there are things we can do.
Shared housing can be part of the solution.
Personally, I think the most logical solution is intergenerational housing. After the Canadian Longitudinal Study on aging found that 30 % of women over seventy-five reported being lonely, people started looking for innovative solutions.
One creative program pairs young adults, often students, with seniors. The co-housing project connects students at McMaster University in need of safe, affordable housing with lonely seniors. Both partners benefit.
In the United States, young people often don't live near their grandparents, and many have no older adult friends. So how can we be expected to know how to navigate old age without role models? Humans do best in intergenerational groups.
As an older person, if you have an extra room, why not rent it to a younger person? Or consider trading a room in exchange for help with housework or yard care. I meet many people who move out of a much-loved home because it becomes too much to take care of, especially alone.
Don't be in a hurry to retire.
In 1945, the average American died at 68; in 2019, it was 79. So it's logical that we may become bored if we retire early. But, truthfully, many of us benefit from additional income, too.
In fact, the greatest number of new businesses in the U.S. are started by people in the 55 to 64-year-old age range. I have friends in their seventies who wouldn't dream of quitting their jobs. They've spent decades gaining wisdom and experience and have a lot to contribute.
Work often is a force that gives our life purpose and a sense of meaningful contribution.
Social security has now set the age of full retirement at 67 for those born in 1960 or later, and you gain maximum benefits if you wait until 70.
I like to say I started to 'retire' at age 50 when I began a pattern of working very hard for a few years and then taking a few off to pursue new opportunities. I love the experience of challenging myself to learn new things, and I think it keeps my brain working full-throttle.
Give back by volunteering. Get back joy and friendship.
Not surprisingly, only 18% of older adults who participate in three or more community groups report feeling lonely.
We used to be a more age-integrated society, but modern education siloes young people with others their age, and the old-age housing industry does the same with many people 55+.
This separation leads to ageism.
Youngsters often know nobody older than their parents. And I hear far too many comments about 'that younger generation' by people who spend no time with anyone more than five years younger than themselves.
How can we share the wisdom of our years with those younger if we don't spend time with them?
Older people can be invigorated with the joy and energy of children and teens and can themselves benefit by collaboration with the benefits of technology.
Whatever your interests, talents, or hobbies—you are needed somewhere. If you can't leave the house, you can volunteer from home. So many of my best friends have been met through service opportunities; it's one of the first things I look for when I move to a new town.
Socially isolated? Lonely?
If you are also feeling depressed, please contact a mental health organization such as the Crisis Text Line. I know it can be hard to find the motivation to change when a dark cloud is engulfing your life.
Otherwise, here are some ideas you can do to connect with others.
- Have you neglected friends and family members? Send a snail mail, an email, or a text. Set up a Zoom call or FaceTime; my grandchildren love it.
- If health conditions allow, get out of the house and meet your neighbors. Your local library is often a great place to find free events and activities.
- Can you find a walking group or join an exercise group at your local YMCA? Finding a tribe of friends who are also interested in living healthy encourages positive habits.
- And volunteer. It can change your life. Please check out some of the resources to find a service opportunity that can make a difference in your life and others.
Remember, that humans are social creatures, too.
So don't be a lonely pony.
Resources:
Gen2Gen connecting the generations
Find opportunities near you for people 50+
Mobilizing generations to impact climate change
Cindy grew up on a homestead in Alaska, where she developed a profound appreciation for nature and a passion for life. Join the conversation.